The Social Jack

So back to blogging after all the slogging. Okay, that’s still struggling to qualify for a joke!

So, I attend a party and after three drinks (or maybe four, who’s counting) I slurrishly smile at the bartender for the next round and I can sense this glare like unwanted attention. I turn around and there they are, staring like I just let the entire nation down by ordering another drink. The first thing that I thought of, was whether the zipper was open; thankfully not! So then I did what I do most often, Ignore!!

Can’t describe these folks, very special people. I call them the ‘Social Jacks’. Yeah the same folks, who keep following up aggressively on when you’re getting married. They are the ones who you would see boasting of some incident that you even doubted existed. You find them everywhere. They take it upon themselves to be socially responsible and invite themselves at most parties, family functions, office breaks, and make special appearances at weddings and funerals. Their responsibility extends to counting the number of drinks each one had at the party, measuring the depth of the cleavage or guessing whether a particular dude and the chick are dating. At funerals, they are holding a bucket collecting the tears, and then concluding the extent of the loss.

They have a constant ‘shocked’ look on their face. They can comfort you at any point of time, like they never missed an opportunity to ask you ‘hows married life’ if they are sure you’re going through a divorce or, even better ‘hows work’ when you just lost your job.

 Women, generally, think of Social Jacks more often. Whether it is their jeans going too low on the waist or the neckline going down, it’s always the Social jack that they think of in the situation. I have noticed a few women, after taking a long drag do a 360 degree glance and then exhale a victorious puff. The same reason why they prefer the vodka shots in steel glasses at sangeet ceremonies.

None of us care about the Social Jacks, yet everyone of us keep saying ‘I care a damn fuck about….’

 It’s just that Social Jacks gives you a feeling of Deja Fu (Deja Fu: ‘Oh fuck, what the fuck is he doing here’). The male species of Social Jacks are always cynical about most things and generally have very bad sex lives. The female species of Social Jacks gives you the impression that they are permanently on the wrong side of the month.

Just a tribute to the Social Jacks! Keep up the good work :)

Happy New Year..

So another year passes. More memories, more photo albums and definitely more weddings that have gone by!
If you haven’t guessed it yet, yes, my new year’s resolution has been to update the blog more regularly and here I’m kicking the ‘writer's block’ in the ass. Going by my reputation of following New Year resolutions, the block will get back to me sooner.
The year started off as just another year, without any plans or any goals, just a wandering numbhead. At times, when I hear conversations of plans for a set time frame, I find myself looking out of the window for some fresh air. I prefer the spontaneity, impulsiveness or rather I have just got so used to surprises, pleasant or otherwise!
Coming back to the year, life was on as usual. Monday to Friday saw clients asking weirder questions with even unreasonable demands, and me, I just got more hard skinned and learnt the art of indirectly saying FO with the right adjectives with even better framed sentences. The weekends started with a pint on a Saturday evening, and figuring how it ended on a Sunday afternoon!
Goodbyes are sad and for the first time in many years, I felt shit. No, I didn’t breakup with anyone (that would have been refreshing :P)
This was the year of Weddings! So many of them, that I started believing that you could get partners on sale at Hypercity! Maybe fresh air doesn’t go well with everyone :p
Anyways, more weddings meant more bachelor parties, the birthdays meant even more parties and finally it was the December. Decembers are always the same for any year. Just that this December, I’m sure I did all I could to revive Kingfisher, its high time they read the blog and help us with some free air tickets to Goa or maybe a few free drinks coupons or whatever..!
To sum it up, it was an ‘ okay’ year, old friends came closer, few close friends drifted away and so on. But, then when you have two alphabets ‘F’ and ‘O’ put together, the rest of the alphabets and conversations hardly mind. Wish they thought us to say ‘FO’ in school itself, life would have been so much more comforting ;)
So, in line with the New Years resolution, this space is going to be updated more often. More nasty, cheaper and less diplomatic ;)

Happy New Years people!

Ganpati Bappa Moryaa!!

Since my oldest memories of sugary modaks, I remember being told, that, you were powerful like all other gods and you had a solution to every problem just like the rest of the gods. It didn’t make sense to me then, but blindly followed you because it meant modaks, a holiday and wearing new clothes. That went on till a few years and soon I liked your elephant headed face, the power it yielded, and the euphoria that came along and lived on for 11 long days not forgetting the holiday we got on the last day of your immersion. In many ways, your arrival throws open the festive season followed by Eid, Navratri, birthdays (most of my closest friends birthdays since school have their birthdays between Oct – Jan), Christmas and then New Years!
On many occasions, I felt you were standing right next to me, like during the Christmas eve mass, just that your bubbly beautiful elephant headed face looked very matured with the long robe, unshaven look with the long beard. The depth of the pain in the eyes scared me then; I prefer your bubbly pink colored elephant headed royal persona. Life was at its interesting best, alternating the best and worse times. Adolescence bought a lot of changes, the good and the bad was now subjective, the challenges and obstacles more real. A tough situation, a failed challenge made me question your existence. You didn’t react, but merely smiled, as if waiting to welcome the prodigal son back. Whenever I visit Siddhi Vinayak, I make a list of things to pray for and the moment I’m in front of the you, I go speechless, bow and before I can look up again, the crowd has already pushed me out. Dad wasn’t even close to religious but made an occasional trip to Siddhi Vinayak. I prayed in vain for his life, but then I guess life and death is beyond prayer. Every year, I visit you during your annual trip to our place, mutter and grumble a bit with you in “English” and you smile calmly and show the way, sometimes it’s a cakewalk and at times it’s a bumpy ride. I proudly say that’s my only connection or level of spirituality, simple and candid. Yet today, as life stares in front of me, amidst all my selfish and materialistic cravings, you define what the dictionary calls ‘confidence’
As the drum beats louder and procession noises come closer welcoming you into yet another year, the least I can do is shout out …Ganpati Bappa Moryaa!

Friendship...a way of life

As I walked into the world naked and innocent, I was introduced by my parents to funny looking people called relatives who were funny in every possible way. I couldn’t share or probably didn’t want to share my loudest laughs and my deepest cries with any of them but every book and bible I read around that time told me, all about the importance of family, legacy and the works. By that time, I was already attending a convent school and had made many ‘useless friends’. The kind who always laughed at your jokes, no matter how sad they were. At that time, I was going through a phase in life no less than hell and everything beyond that seemed like paradise and in this case it was school. From then on to my current status as a media professional, there have been lovely experiences where I have met strangers who just stood behind me as if on some divine instruction. Be it my first colleague who convinced me that vodka contained only 4% alcohol and I haven’t contested the debate as yet, OR the useless school friends who are still banging their heads hard against the wall for introducing me to whiskey a few years back, OR an old college friend who suddenly resurfaced as one of my closest friends. It’s said that you should always draw a line between your professional and personal life but, how do you draw that when your bosses and colleagues become your 4am friend come around and support you in your most tragic experiences. In these years, life revolved from the brightest days of light to the loneliest days of darkness and the celebrations and challenges oscillated likewise. The celebrations never fell short of glasses nor did the challenges and failures fall short of shoulders and smses! The definition of family somehow came into being in the most practical way possible. It doesn’t require a day to certify the great friendships you cherish but this is the little I could do to acknowledge them on ‘Friendship day’. It is said that ‘Blood is thicker than water, but my small meandering experiences have convinced me to conclude that ‘Wine is definitely thicker than blood”

Wishing you all a Happy Friendship Day!!

Cheers

Insipiration...........

There’s always been this small devilish desire at the back of my mind since long!!....My reading “The Bin Laden Story – Steve Coll” and the bombarding of the Satyam story on all news channel have actually left me inspired as never before…

Mr. Ramalinga Raju has achieved what every youth today dreams off! Who doesn’t dream of being a billionaire and the kind of fame he’s enjoying!!....The paparazzi follow him everywhere and every move he makes becomes national headlines. His arrest has given oxygen to many news channels providing them with fodder for weeks to come to the otherwise depressing news that everyone was been carrying post New Years!! The purpose of putting this blog has been to seek partners in a new venture which I’m planning to roll out soon.
We would probably give this venture a name synonymous with “Truth” and call it Truthbiz or something…..and the truth would stop at its name only. We have no idea what our area of work would be, so lets call it a consultancy firm for now!!. But, one thing is for sure we would make everything look big. Real big!!

To begin with we would have a recruitment policy …where in only women with big assests would be shortlisted and we give special preference to women who can make mountains out of molehills..
The first employee I have on board as honorary non executive chairman would be
Mr. Ramalinga Raju. His wealth would be a few thousand crores less considering that he has to pay our politicians, police and all other powers to be to get out of the situation he is right now in. As an incentive, I would announce to the media double the amount he actually invests in my new venture.He would grace the board with his expertise of inflating all balance sheets and the likes. His friends in the political world would help me acquire a few hundred acres of land at a throw away price, in exchange, I would sponsor their campaigns, holidays abroad, trusts etc

What if I get caught on the wrong side of the law???....well, firstly, I would call a press conference, completely deny the whole story as a ploy to defame me for cheap publicity. When I finally realize that nothing is working, I would hire a high profile lawyer to represent me…Even if that doesn’t work, I would finally surrender and surrender how!!!

Surrendering to the local cops should be a complete event to remember, I plan to hire a PR agency and an event company to ensure it’s a grand success!!...I would probably wear an Armani suit, jumbo Police glares and have my cavalcade of 5 Mercs for the trip. I would decide on whether to hire private security guard depending upon the assurance given by the police commissioner!!

Since I’m a heart patient, my blood pressure would certainly rise once in jail, so I would arrange for a Benz van to drive me down to the closest hospital.( read Lilavati or a Jaslok) My high profile lawyer would ensure I have a 42 inch plasma, food home cooked food ( read Taj) and a couple of books and DVD’s which are a part of my private collection.

I would hope to stay in this “hospital” for about a year or so, before getting bail. During this period I would try art of living and ensure that the media gets a wind of my new avatar!!...
A week prior to my release I would hire the same event agency and PR agency to ensure I’m back with a bang!!

Once out, I would prepare a press release which would subtly suggest my intentions of joining a political party. If my political career fails to take off, I would probably participate in a reality show…If I fail to win the reality show, I would still manage to marry a fellow participant, maybe a disgraced Bollywood actress (Monicaaa….oh my dahlin!!!)


If none of the above plans work out, I could still look out for like minded young people to whom I could serve as venture capitalists just like Mr. Ramalinga Raju did to my career.

So guys!!....which damn B school in the world could guarantee you the kind of success and recognition I’m assuring you off….If you guys are on the same page please send in your contact details with the monies you are ready to put in my new venture…

Pls don’t inflate the amount now; I’ll do it myself....

The other religion....

Woooooo…the flame colored malpuas stare at you from the mesh on the vessel tempting you to no end. Before you decide to order a portion, the aroma of kebabs and biryani from the adjacent shop makes you all insatiablely hungry again… The quawalli blaring from a loudspeaker fitted just above a green satin banner with an inscription in jazzy gold Urdu text hanging over a travel agency shop on the other side of the street completely in sync with the festive atmosphere...well, this isn’t a narration from Khaled Hosseini's forthcoming novel but a picturesque scene on our very own Mohammed Ali Rd when its time to break roja a day before Eid and the feast that continues till dawn… The holy month of roja, the five times namaaz's and the feast thereafter really fascinates me…actually the glutton in me is more fascinated by the evening feasts!!
It’s sometimes difficult to digest the fact that a few people of this same community could be party to the recent heinous terrorists attacks across the country. What prompts a mind to kill innocent wives and children? How can a well educated mind be brainwashed to engineer such dangerous crimes!!
Its no rocket science…a human mind can be best brainwashed when its low and vulnerable and the people who are instrumental in making them vulnerable are none other than “we” the society as a whole. Youth from lower middle class families who are unemployed and illiterate are made to believe that its their faith and religious origins that is responsible for their plight.
For me, the SIMI, Laskhar E Toiba or the Indian Mujahideen is in the same league as the Bajrang Dal or VHP….
The motive of all the above mentioned organizations is quite simple; direct vulnerable minds to fulfill their insane ideas for personal gains and use the poor and illiterate as puppets.
The whole idea of putting up this article is to request everyone around to be more receptive towards this beautiful and culturally rich community and without viewing them with a needle of suspicion and holding hands and investigating and solving problems like terrorists attacks in a more rational and scientific way.
Also, not many of us are aware that studies have shown about 60% of the worlds Muslim population, religiously contributes 2.4% of their annual wealth to charity. Is it sheer coincidence that the navratri week and the Eid festivities fall on the same dates this year or is it a divine intervention trying to convey a message…..your guess is as good as mine!!!

Introducing my bullshit...

Hey….so finally I have started blogging!!.....and couldn’t find a better way by putting it up on a day when its pouring and the weather is just apt for writing something sensible which is very rare in my case!!....For me, Sundays have always been weird, most of the day is spent in pulling myself from the bed and when I manage this great feat, I realize its time for us to go to “church”…The “us” in question is a bunch of great spiritual souls. Our spirituality today has reached another level altogether where we can actually run a parallel faith strong enough to give our local church a run for their money.

To begin with, our founder member Mr. Dylan!!

The man founded this great faith in on an auspicious day a decade ago (I was a little tipsy to remember the date then). Actually Dylan has always been the spiritual types, like he spends quality time below the tree and talks to someone whom we are yet to meet. Then, there have been instances where this same “someone” calls him and he goes to the outskirts of Orlem to answer this divine call!!

Going back to our holy faith, at first, it was just him and Bryan Aranha, the son of the illustrious Sir Aranha from St. Annes High, currently living happily ever after with a family in thane (forgive the soldier….that’s his status every weekend)…They lit small white candles (holy cigarettes) every weekend and since then, as they say there has been no looking back!!..Alex, Reuben, myself and a whole lot of inspired souls soon joined in and it just got bigger and bigger…

Mr. Reuben, the man from the royal East Indian Bent family, uses his East Indian masala with lethal effect!!...he actually juggles between the local church and us depending upon the schedule of the blessed angels…hehehehe…complete "babechor", please don’t ever introduce your women to him, you’ll soon be single again…has a famous past of kissing the wrong girl!!!...oops

Osborne...the only sane person as of today in our faith.....his one liners weakens the female species...witty, spontaneous and always running home to answer someones call at 9 pm every night....we'll find out whose the mysterious one soon.... The saying " Snake in the grass" defines him the best.

How can I forget Kristoff…..did god make Kristoff or did he make god…..the man carries the IIT and IIM degrees so easily as anyone whose just passes out of high school!!...hes our supernatural Hancock…”good job good job”

Alex is the reason behind Vodafone's sudden decision to cut all calls and message tariffs…the senior management thought it was wiser to cut call rates than waste a process fighting Alex on – line!!

As for me, I just love my drink..and yes i never get high..its just that I'm always tipsy!!

Well that’s a little about our holy faith which started out at “St. Bajrangs”, where the priory members of the faith meet often to get spiritually high in the chapel below Reuben’s apartment where you’ll find a keystone always stocked with the holy water!!

If none of the above is not making sense to you, don’t worry it’s quite normal because I rarely make sense.


Cheers to the royal stags!!

Bombii